staying present

the second week after my meditation retreat.  working on “staying present”.  Keeping aware, noting, and just being.

Noticed that my energies are not as “outward” as before the retreat.  May be taken by passers-by as unfriendly, but it is simply a practice of “silence” to keep energies concentrated on awareness.  In group and one-on-one situations I think this approach of  being less “outward” has opened up those relationships.  Sometimes real focused on inner experience, sometimes less focus and let my energy flow outward to communicate.

Keeping present while listening in conversations is huge.  Notice my tendencies to “not listen” as a “pushing energy”, a shyness, or a “not wanting to be in one on one communication” (intimacy avoidance).

When analyzed these are not necessarily anything to do with the other person, more like an avoidance of myself (perhaps self-esteem issues).  Keeping present by “allowing”, noting, and body awareness improves communication and allows for space.

Simplicity in being – when driving: I am “just driving”.  Walking” “just walking”.  Seeing” “just seeing”.  Feeling happy: “just feeling”.  Peeing: ” just peeing”.  Notice any avoidance of present (feels like a pushing energy).  When that energy is felt, then just remind myself  I’m “just” experiencing/expressing whatever is going on in that moment.  Relax, regulation of breath, keep awareness partially on the body, monitor any avoidance energy.

“just driving” means drive to enjoy the drive.  Enjoy driving.  Noting speed limit, steering, signaling, slowing down, speeding up, etc.  Driving is not: to get somewhere.  Once a plan is set in motion there is agitation when things don’t go according to that plan.  As long as the plan when driving is “just driving” then it doesn’t matter what happens along the drive.  Of course “just driving” also means being safe and doing my best to arrive safely at my destination.

Eating – enjoying “tasting”.  Not eating to “eat”. i.e. “eating” is consuming food…”tasting” is enjoying the taste of the food.   I have been eating considerably less and lost 10+ pounds while on the 9 day med. retreat.

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